


I hate you all so much™

by alternateevak



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Good Brother Ben Hargreeves, Good Brother Klaus Hargreeves, Good Brother Number Five | The Boy, Group Chat Fic, Klaus and Five and Ben r like best friends and sometimes diego, Multi, Texting, this is so much nonsesne honestly
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-07
Updated: 2019-03-29
Packaged: 2019-11-13 13:06:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,709
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18032315
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alternateevak/pseuds/alternateevak
Summary: an umbrella academy text fic that i made because i wanted some soft siblings content





	1. Did you know I was trapped on the moon for four years and you don’t hear me complaining about it twenty four seven?

**Author's Note:**

> so in this chapter there is a like a totally fake "spoiler" for captain marvel it's not real at all bc i haven't seen it yet so like i just made somethin up from the top of my head. this is also probz not v good bc im not as funny as i was when i wrote my last text fic.

klaus added five, diego, vanya, allison and ben to the umbrella academy

allison : you forgot luther

five : no he didn’t

ben : lmao what no

diego : luther who? never heard of him

klaus : yeah know me either diego i have no idea who you’re talking about

allison : come on guys

ben : look i know im like ,,,,, the nice one or whatever but we all hate him

five : correction, we all really fucking despise him

diego : if you hadn’t notcied he’s kind of a dick

klaus : they’re right

klaus : come on you slept with him you should know this better than anyone

allison : are you sure you guys aren’t the dicks? 

five : i mean you guys aren’t great but i wouldn’t go as far as to say you’re dicks

five : that’s reserved for our fave big guy

klaus : wow i think thats as far as compliments go for five 

ben : flattered

ben : but he’s like right

diego : if we added him all he’d do is complain about the fact he was stuck on the moon for four fucking years and then he’d always try and dictate conversations and honestly that would be like 

diego : idk how to phrase it

klaus : a load of absolute total bullshit?

diego : exactly!

five : he’d also text with grammar and that would drive me insane

ben : aren’t you like meant to be 58 ????????

five : doesn’t mean i don’t know how to fucking text im from the future remember

ben : touche

allison : this is getting very off topic

diego : okay how about a vote

allison : we can’t vote people out of the academy

klaus : why not ?!? :-(

five : yes we can

diego : allison you get to vote too obviously

ben : i mean voting him out of the groupchat isn’t the same as voting him out of the academy allison we just don’t want him to ruin our fun

vanya : what ben just said 

vanya : honestly can’t we just kick him out of the academy too 

diego : can we please im so fed up of him

five : im with vanya 

allison : okay look if you guys are going to be dicks ill add him myself

klaus : im p sure only i can do that right ????

five : klaus you didn’t make a fucking whatsapp groupchat ofc she can

klaus : can’t we just kick her too

five : too far

allison added luther to the umbrella academy

luther : What’s This?

five : omg i fucking told you so

luther : Told Them What?

five : that you type like a fucking old man

diego : five you’re an old man

five : for arguements sake lets justt say im thirteen for a second

diego : fine with me

luther : I Do Not!

five : you capitalise every fucking word and use punctuation seriously i swear to god it makes me want to strangle you

five : anyway carrying on

five : i believe i said i told you so

klaus : snapped

ben : i don’t think thats five snapping

ben : i think thats five like barely scratching the ice

vanya : we all know five come on stop under estimating him

luther : Why are we underestimating Five?

five : omg 

five : im so done

five : we’ve been here for 2 minutes

five : i survived in a fucking apocolypse for 45 whole ass years but i can’t survive a groupchat with luther for more than 2 minutes is that what the world has begun

klaus : you okay there buddy

ben : went on ur own lil rant

five : im 58 don’t call me buddy

diego : i thought you were 13 for arguements sake

five : that’s too luther

five : to all of you im still 58

diego : cool okay 

diego : as long as you keep roasting luther i like it when you do that

luther : Honestly Five, you shouldn’t complain so much!! Did you know I was trapped on the moon for four years and you don’t hear me complaining about it twenty four seven?

diego : you do complain about it 24/7

diego : besides five was alone for like, a whole 41 years longer than you and he couldn’t even come back you could so please stfu

five : omg you roasted him yourself im so proud

diego : woah i feel honoured

klaus : brothers moment ™

ben : i thought only me and klaus has those wow

vanya : the apocolypse

vanya : wait shit too soon?

klaus : FAGHSYFGHJSD VANYA

five : oh my fucking god vanYA

luther : Vanya, The end of the world is not a laughing matter! Five, i’m disappointed you’re even laughing at that!

five : we stopped the real fucking apocolypse you collosal asshole so please fuck the hell off and let us have some fun 

allison : does he ever stop being savage

five : it’s my general state of being

klaus : okay okay off topic but did any of you see captain marvel yet??

vanya : no spoiLERS ASSHOLES

five : me and vanya are gonna go see it tomorrow so if y’all say one word i swear to god

klaus : omg 

ben : honey you have a big storm coming

luther : What’s Captain Marvel?

diego : shut up

diego : i’ve seen it

diego : did you all see the part where shes like totally badass

klaus : no i skipped the whole movie 

ben : literally

vanya : i thought y’all were gonna have a whole in depth conversation about it and like i’d be annoyed but quiet but five’s still here 

five : vanya don’t give them ideas

klaus : omg that big fight scene

diego : you mean the one where she like totally beats the shit out of an army of skrulls totally alone?? yes fucking pleASE

five : i really really fucking hate all of you 

five : so much

five : actually

five changed the groupchat name from the umbrella academy to i hate you all so much ™

diego : i totally just made of all of that up you know that right

five : how would i know that i havent SEEN the movie assholes

klaus : we love you little brother

five : im 58 

diego : your thirteen deal with it

five : wow im disowning my family how wonderful


	2. if corn oil is made out of corn and vegetable oil is made of vegetables tf is baby oil made from??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> klaus five and ben have a midnight chat and we see some softie/memey content. also featuring your daily dosage of luther hargreeves is an idiot !!1!1!!

_4am_

klaus: so i have a question

klaus: if corn oil is like made out of corn and vegetable oil is made out of like vegetables??

klaus: tf is baby oil made of

five: there’s no fucking vegetables in vegetable oil you idiot

ben: five no don’t you’ll crush his dreams forever

klaus: ben’s right :((((

five: well tough

ben: wow thats rough

klaus: ive had enough of this slander

five: stop

five: just stop

klaus: yknow if u look at those words for long enough it really does look weird

five: tough rough or enough

ben: which word

klaus: this is still slander

klaus: but rough

ben: i mean hes not wrong

five: don’t say that its klaus

five: if klaus is ever right about something i might spontaneously combust

klaus: :( ((((

ben: okay then i don’t want five to combust so

ben: rough is the most normal word in the dictionary srry klaus

ben: also give them fucking noses you coward

klaus: wow my dearest brothers

klaus: mi hermanos

klaus: why do you wound me like this

five: it probably looks weird because its 4am

klaus: why are you even awake

five: why are you even awake

klaus: i asked you first

five: i asked you second

ben: that is the most childish thing i have heard from five since he turned 13 again

klaus: hed murder you for that if you weren’t already a ghost

five: hes wrong

five: it’s just luther id do that too

five: it’s just empty threats otherwise

five: I’d still like almost murder him though

ben: I’ll take it

klaus: aww lil fivey has a soft side

five: you want me to add you to that list??

klaus: no

klaus: i love you little brother don’t want to murder me pls

five: maybe

klaus: maybe??

ben: just take it

five: id take it if i were you

klaus: taking it

diego: if i get another message from one of you nocturnal fucking animals at 4am again im going to gut all of you with my favourite knives including five

five: that’s funny

five: you think you could gut me

five: but ill shut up no worries

diego: thank fuck

diego: klaus?

ben: he fell asleep

five: surprise surprise

diego: okay go the fuck to sleep

ben: can’t sleep im a ghost

five: can’t sleep i drank too much coffee

diego: well turn stop talking

five: got it

ben: now we wait

_11am_

vanya: what

vanya: the fuck

allison: why was everyone awake at 4am

klaus: not everyone

klaus: just me and my fellow pyschos

ben: not a pyscho ghosts don’t sleep

five: im not a pyscho

five: i have nothing else to add im just not

vanya: five do you ever sleep

five: does klaus

klaus: does ben

ben: GHOST

ben: FOR THE LAST TIME

luther: You all should get healthy sleep schedules !! Do i need to take your phones off you before you go to bed?

klaus: im sorry what

five: were not five

five: no pun intended

klaus: FASGHSFDGYERHDJF

five: not that funny but cool

ben: hes rolling on the floor laughing his ass off

five: are you kidding me

ben: would i lie to you my favourite brother who can’t see me

diego: cough mf cough

ben: you threatened to gut my ghost last night

klaus: five was gonna kill you too

ben: partially provoked

five: i was going to almost murder his ghost

five: that’s different

diego: what if i gut luther

ben: then youd be my favourite

five: what if we gut luther together

diego: omg that’s a great idea

luther: No it’s not !!!

klaus: definitely a good idea

allison: guys

vanya: im down to watch

allison: guys really

luther: I’d rather not be “gutted” or whatever thank you very much !!!!

five: we don’t care you’re annoying

luther: you’re annoying, you’re the child here

five: im 28 years older you

five: i also don’t text in uppercase or put gutted in quotations

five: im also ben’s favourite so that automatically makes me not annoying

ben: hes not wrong

luther: klaus is annoying and you deal with him every day?

ben: klaus isn’t annoying he’s just intolerable

ben: but he’s good company

ben: you’re not

luther: I mean at least i’m not addicted to anything

klaus: low blow im CLEAN you know what that means big guy

luther: okay, what about five?

five: ?????

diego: i think he means alcohol but i mean

diego : theres been no alcohol in the house since klaus decided to get clean

diego : and five looks thirteen so like

diego : technically that means he was forced to stop drinking too

ben : he’s not wrong

klaus : wow me and five be out here

five : reaching goals and shit

ben : we stan

allison : does anybody ever know what those three are talking about

five : maybe diego

klaus : could be vanya too

vanya : nope

klaus : cool ruled that out

ben : diego

diego : sometimes

klaus : when is sometimes

diego : when it’s not 4am

diego : the fuck were you guys even doing last night

five : klaus asked a weirdly stupid question

ben : then we like accidently started rhyming

klaus : like words that sound like “uff”

five : and then klaus decided the word rough looked weird

ben : i said he was right but changed my mind so five didn’t explode

diego : why would five explode exactly???

ben : because klaus was right

klaus : it still looks weird in the morning five you were wrong

five : it doesn’t look weird

ben : *cough* kinda does *cough*

five : okay im exploding bye

vanya : FSGHFDUYHHC

vanya : he just like

vanya : YELLED BOOM AND TELEPORTED SOMEWHERE

vanya : IM YELLING WAHT FIVE

klaus : hes here

klaus : HE JUST DID THE SAME THING

klaus : BUT HE LIKE USED HIS HAND WHEN HE SAID BOOM

ben : knew there was a reason he was my favourite brother

klaus : mhmmm

ben : besides you dumbass im stuck with you

klaus : five is back

klaus : HE JUT YEETED HIMSELF INTO THE ROOM

five : stop commentating my life thanks

ben : we gotta keep the confused idiots in on our lil trio + sometimes diego

five : were only a trio because none of us sleep

five : and therefore have to spend time with eachother

five : it’s all physics

klaus : no its just brotherly love

five :  cant even see ben i just sit and watch you play patty cake with thin air

five : oH AND THE FLOATING PHONE THING

five : have you guyes ever seen a ghost use a phone

five : because that’s creepy

ben : :(((

five : i still love you ben

five : but have you ever seen a floating phone

diego : d-did five just admit that he cared about one of us

klaus : hold the phone this a momentus occasion

vanya : somebody screenshot

five : knew there was a real reason i hated you all

klaus: but not bennnnnnnn

five : no ben you are doing great sweetie

ben : <3

klaus : </3

five : <<<<ben3 <<vanya3 <klaus3 <diego

five : everyone else can perish

allison : thanks five appreciate it

five : :)

klaus : im tearing up i ranked before deiego

five : you spell diego like that again then i’ll switch it round dumbass

diego : there he is

ben : we didn’t miss you buddy

ben : we want softie five back

five : no fuck off

ben : wow rough

klaus : not that word again

ben : yes that word again deal with it

five : this really was a beautiful beautiful beautiful conversation but in yeeting away

klaus : HE YEETED OUT THE WINDOW

ben : HE JUST JUMPED

ben : AND DISAPPEARED INTO BLUE

klaus : wow what a memey yet badass little brother we have

five : 28 years older than you

klaus : yeah yeah yeah little schmittle

five : im facepalming just so you know

 

 

 


	3. kindly please

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay i was rlly bored so this chapters kinda not great but y'know what its the longest one yet so enjoy

five: i have a theory

vanya: go on

five: that luther is conspiring to kill me

five: or klaus

five: I’d say or ben but like he’s already dead

klaus: im sorry what

five: i jumped into his room and he may have been minorly pissed that we’d tipped wet flour on his head

vanya: you guys did what???

ben: technically it was my idea

ben: but i couldn’t execute it myself

ben: so i made klaus and five do it

diego: i love you

diego: all three of you

diego: my new favourite people ever

klaus: im offended i wasn’t already your favourite person

diego: no, it was vanya

vanya: r00d

ben: what was that?

klaus: the double 0 omg i cried

vanya: im sorry that i have tastes

ben: tastes??

ben: that makes me wanna gouge my eyes out

ben: even more than klaus does

klaus: wow low blow

diego: is it just me who hears luther yelling at five or is that just me

klaus: nope we hear it

klaus: rather him than me

five: fuck you

five: it’s quite funny

five: i don’t think he knows im listening to muisghdjuvh

klaus: did he just die

ben: i hope not

klaus: well rip five

klaus: maybe we should like help him

ben: wow klaus being the nice one for once that’s new

klaus: only because he said it was funny

klaus: i don’t wanna miss out

five: youre not missing out he just totally threw me and my phone across the room

five: so depressing

five: i just walked out the door

klaus: r u okay

five: its luther he literally couldn’t hurt a fly

ben: hes not wrong

luther: I Hate You All

luther: I’m Covered in Stickly Flour!!!

klaus: lmao stickly

klaus: it was meant to be like us tipping devils tango juice on your head

ben: no it wasn’t

five: it really wasn’t

klaus: well it should have been

five: no it shouldn’t have been

allison: i mean you guys shouldn’t have done

klaus: theres a bUT

klaus: I HEAR A BUT

allison: but

klaus: YES

allison: it’s so funny sorry luther

ben: did allison just

five: join the darkside??

klaus: i think so

klaus: we need to celebrate

ben: hes flossing

five: badly

diego: okay says you you can’t floss for shit

five: im 58

diego: in a 13 year old boys body

five: my conciseness is 58 which means i don’t know shit like flossing wow

ben: i mean you could prove him wrong

five: i will murder your ghost

ben: i thought you’d only almost murder me :-(

five: don’t make me explain it again

five: sarcasm ben

ben: AGSDIJHFRVFJKG

klaus: can u believe he just hit the air

five: look i can wack you round the head instea of him if you’d like

klaus: no thank you

ben: please

five: if he doesn’t turn off that music i might have to

klaus: what?? why

klaus: this music is beauty

klaus: this music is art

klaus: this music owns us all

five: not me apparently

five: i prefer vanya violin

vanya: is that an insult or a compliment i can’t tell

five: both

ben: if u say rood with two 0’s again then im making five says it’s an insult or ill haunt him for the rest of eternity

five: wow

five: passionate i like it

vanya: rude

vanya: i am DISGUSTED

vanya: i am REVOLTED

vanya: i dedicate my life to my lord and savoir jesus christ

klaus: AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET

ben: AND THIS IS THE THANKS I GET

vanya: and this is the thanks i get?!?!?!

five: omg

five: anyway how r we gonna deal with a very murderous big guy in our home

luther: I Wouldn’t Kill You !!!

five: you just threw me across a room

five: you cracked my phone

luther: You Deserved It

luther: Im Disappointed In You Ben, Taking Part In Such Childish Activities

ben: sorry dad

five: wow that’s a real low blow

klaus: the definition of low blow

diego: i love it keep going

diego: i live for luther slander

five: also, frankly, im p sure that ben doesn’t care abt your opinion??

ben: the young man would be correct

ben: FIVE

ben: WHY DID YOU JUST HIT KLAUS

five: you told me to hit him instead of you

ben: and youre hitting him/me why

five: young man

ben: oh shit sorry

ben: but yes the old man would be correct

five: better

luther: This Is So Rude

allison: honey i don’t think they care

klaus: omg ew incest

vanya: my eyes

five: take your incest elsewhere please

five: kindly please

klaus: kindly please too

ben: even more kindly please

diego: the biggest kindly please

vanya: the absolute fucking biggest kindly please you have ever seen

vanya: and if that kindly please doesn’t work ill just blow the house up again

diego: that’s not a bad idea lets go

five: kindly please don’t i look 13 u rlly think someone would sell me a house

vanya: live with me

five: okay blow up away

luther: this is too far !!!

diego: klaus turn that fucking music off right now or i might scream

five: try being in the room

five: hes literally stripping

ben: you could leave

five: im not leaving you alone with this

five: but youre right i could just leave

klaus: don’t leave brother dearest ill buy you ice cream and a milkshake

five: is that a jab at me being 13

klaus: maybe

ben: THEYRE FIGHTING

ben: BUT KLAUS IS HALF NAKED SO ITS RLLY FUNNY

klaus: five that shit kills people

five: if i wanted to kill you i would

klaus: i love you too brother dearest

klaus: would you like a klaus specialty coffee

five: the black coffee with whipped cream and mother fucking chocolate???

klaus: that exact one

five: that is a master piece please do

klaus: if u say i love you klaus

five: okay forget it vanya makes good enough coffee

klaus: not as good as klaus’ specialtyyyy

five: i hate you

klaus: almost

klaus: just gotta change that lil word in the middle there

five: youre not too bad

klaus: ill taKE IT

klaus: i usually only get to i don’t hate you that much really

five: :-)

ben: five is fueling my brand

five: klaus is fueling my coffee addiction

klaus: its actually hot chocolate but we won’t tell anybody that

five: klaus

klaus: oops

five: you promised asshole

klaus: DASFGHDFYGTRGRHJ

ben: five drinks hot chocolate??

vanya: he does i make him hot chocolate too

ben: why did i not know this??

five: i mean in my defense for not telling you i mean i thought u knew youre always with klaus

diego: aww five drinks hot chocolate maybe he actually is 13

five: hot chocolate is a novelty anybody can enjoy

diego: you aren’t wrong

ben: god i would kill for a hot chocolate

five: kill me we can switch places

ben: nope

ben: just throw one at me that’s cool

five: cool

ben: wow that was nice

klaus: woah you just wasted a klaus special

five: ben deserves it

five: i do too though

five: you do too

klaus: okay ill make two more

ben: this reminds me of when we were kids an we’d get diego to get mum to make us hot chocolate and cookies and klaus would sneak into my room and five would teleport there with diego and wed all sit and drink hot chocolate and eat cookies

allison: why were we never invited to these things???

five: i mean we weren’t invited

five: we just showed up

allison: yeah but why didn’t uou tell me vanya and luther

five: you and luther were too busy fucking in a tent

vanya: and me???

five: i mean im the only one who saw you unless dad was in the room

vanya: tahts very true

klaus: OMG YES

klaus: the novelty sleep deprived trio + diego

diego: i don’t like that name

five: are you sleep deprived?

diego: probably not

klaus: do you want to be sleep deprived

diego: maybe

ben: no you don’t

ben: five and klaus are the perfect example of why not to be sleep deprived

ben: i died sleep deprived so like

klaus: hence the sleep deprived trio

five: + diego

diego: tbh it makes sense

ben: lovin it


	4. i luv u 2 <3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this is just nonsense using the weirdest fucking emoji and me expressing my love for the new wallows album bc i love IT SO MUCH

klaus : y’all hearing this wallows album

klaus : because like dayum

ben: man im in love

five: hhh music whats music

vanya: I hope hes joking bc like

vanya: this album is my bOP

ben: he knows its music

klaus: which means hes listened to it

five: stop exposing me ur supposed to love me

klaus: ha sucks 2 be u

ben: :-( I love u

klaus: ben ur supposed to be on my side

ben: don’t care

five: :-)

five: guess it sucks to be u klaus

five: but sure okay maybe I kinda sorta maybe liked it a little bit

ben: not that he’d admit it but hes dancing

five: ben what is this betrayal

ben: now u know how it feels to be klaus

klaus: wow that’s deep

ben: not really

vanya: i never have any idea what you guys are talking about

allison : neither do i

diego : hhhhhh i mean rn is a moment i

diego : maybe understand

Diego: that’s a maybe please don’t ask me

klaus : lmAO

five: y’all could never understand me because im so superior

five: so is ben

ben: wow im flattered

klaus: does this mean im superior too

five: no you just understand the difference between superiority and stupidity so ur allowed

five: to like

five: be here

klaus: is that meant to be a compliment

ben: I think so

klaus: okay then I’ll take

luther: What is Wallows?

allison : omg

allison: unclultured swINE

five: wow

klaus : SWITCHING LANES MUCH

ben: tbh shes always hated luther shes too nice

allison: i don’t hate him hes just kinda dim

luther: Allison!

allison: sorry but its kinda true

luther: I thought you loved me!

allison: not even to be called an incestuous dumbass by five with the patronising nods of klaus and ben and sometimes diego from behind him

vanya: does that like,,, happen often

allison: all of the time

vanya: wow

vanya: guess I really am the nicest person here

allison: you almost exploded the planet

vanya: but I APOLOGISED

vanya: none of you apologise

five: I apologise to ben

klaus: only ben?

five: and klaus on one single occasion

klaus: *smiles smugly*

ben: wtf is that

klaus: that is a not-emoji that doesn’t exist

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: r u sure about that

klaus: okay no that’s just creepy

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ben ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus : STOP

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ben ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

allison: omg can I join

allison: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus : NO STOP

klaus: this is the APOCOLYPSE

vanya:( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: VANYA YOU BROKE MY PHOENSGHSDFGFYRDF

klaus: you stARTED IT

five: technically you started it

klaus: what

ben: hes not wrong

klaus: SLANDER

ben: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: okay no please stop my phone doesn’t like this anymore

ben: okay :-(

five: omg no no sad faces keepgoing

ben: :-)

ben: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

vanya: omg five is so soft for ben I love these brothers ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: that doesn’t mean u can do it apocalypse caUSER

vanya: oh wow low bLOW

five: FSGHDFVF ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

vanya: I thought u told us to stop that

five: me and ben r exceptions to that rule

allison: wow I love being on y’alls side for once this is way more fun than listening to lutehr complain

klaus: we TOLD YOU SO

allison: I know im a dumBASS DAM

luther: This is so offensive!

five: ha

luther: I thought you were making sandwiches five?

five: I made myself, benny, klaus, vanya and Allison sandwiches

luther: What about me?

five: you can starve

allison: ur not missing out theyre peanut butter and marshmellow

five: oh shit are they soRRY

vanya: I thought you only apologised to ben

five: I was apologising to ben

five: bc hes allergic to nuts

five: do not eat that sandwich I will make u a new one

ben: you know im a ghost right I cant eat it anyways

five: don’t care making u a new one

five: you can hold a phone u can eat a sandwich

ben: I cant DIE again tho

five: shhhh im being a good brother for once shut up

ben: got it good brother five

klaus: hey should we tell everyone what we decided we were gonna try

ben: OMG YES

five: which thing

ben: the patty cake one

five: keep talking yes please

klaus: drumroll PLEASE

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

ben: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus: what kind of fucking drumroll-

klaus: anyway im gonna try and like make

klaus: five and ben be able to play patty cake

klaus: bc I can fucking do that whenever I want b cim such a legend so its fives turn

vanya: woAH COOL

allison : that’s so good guys im proud of you klaus!!!

klaus: Allison is proud of me im tearing up

five: wheres diego

five: hes gotta be here when the momentus occasion happens and yknow we find out if people other than klaus can touch the ghosts even if theyre corporeal

diego: im sleeping going away

five: no

diego : you little SHIT

klaus: whatd he do???

diego: he just fucking

diego: teleported to my room

diego: grabbed me and teleported me into a closet and LEFT ME THERE

five: wow

five: that was not an intended pun

vanya: FIVE

five: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: byE

klaus: knew there was a reason you and ben were my favourite brotehrs

diego: cough cough

klaus: YOURE ALWAYS SLEEPING

ben: hes not wrong

luther: What about me?

luther: Five, What was that for?

diego: what did he do ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus: omfg not you too

klaus: but yes pray tell

five: i teleported to him and hit him round the head with a magazine

diego: OKAY KLAUS HES MY FAVOURITE BROTHER TOO NOW

luther: No, seriously, Five, What was that for?

five: you being an idiot

allison: my family is a mess

vanya: big ass mood should we move families together

allison: definitely

ben:( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°):( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus: I hate you

ben : hehe

vanya: yep definitely moving families

allison : seconded

five: can I come?

klaus: BITCH U FUCKING LOVE US

five: :-(

five: don’t out me like that klaus they don’t know I have emotions

ben: I think they do

ben: ur too soft with me

five: you want it to stop

ben: no favourite brother I luv u

five: i luv u 2 <3

allison: guess we have to stay if we ever want five to luv us too

vanya: guess so

klaus: this is so not fair all he can see of ben is a floating phone

klaus: I don’t get I luv u’s

five: that’s WHY u don’t get I luv u’s

five: deal with it

luther: Do any of you love me?

allison: sometimes

five: debateable

allison: FIVE IM SOAVSYDGYFHUGJIFGH

vanya: STOP IM

five: nO

diego: five I love yOU u brave soldier

diego: you are doing the heavens work I love you so much you are my cinnamon apple if you keep thrashing luther like that I might have to be your protector forever because thANK U


	5. bunny

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> okay so this ones not as funny???? but i added some softie five at 4am when hes sleepy and i jumped on the bandwagon that he has a teddy so like here we go pls enjoy this chapter i think its a lil shorter tho bc im a lil tired myself yah yEET
> 
> \- sam

five: so i have officially concluded

five: playing patty cake with ben is very weird

five: because i can feel he is there

five: but i cANT SEE HIM

five: logic explain

klaus: the funniest part of this is watching him literally

klaus: frantically pace around the room after it works

ben: very amusing

klaus: the most amusing

diego: i can vogue for that

five: you werent there

diego: dude ive seen you pace in confusion before

diego: alo you teleported into my room mutterting “wtf even is the world?? i can high five with dead people??” and then

diego: left

five: nope never happened

allison: d-did you really??

vanya: he did

vanya: he showed up at my house

five: y’all are LIARS

luther: You showed up in my room too

five: i did not 

klaus: thatfact that even LUTHER got to see five pace and allison didnt

allison: five im offended

allison: BITCH HE JUST POPPED IN

allison: I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN

five: i dont know what youre talking about

ben: no offence but like

ben: you look like an angry zombie

five: thats slander right there

klaus: now you know how i feel

five: y’all are treating me like klaus now?? what have you DONE

five: what have I done

allison: nothing we just love you

five: ill scoff

klaus: thats very threatening

five: haha very funny

five: such a comedian

klaus: i was only the person who made you laugh in the apocolypse do not

klaus: tell me im not funny

five: it was sarcastic

klaus: but it was genuINE RIGHT

ben: it was 

klaus: you werent there ghostie

ben: im ALWAYS there 

klaus: creepy

diego: i mean

diego: you do smile when klaus in the room

five: mostly because that means ben is in the room

klaus: thatis rude

ben: yes rude

vanya: do not start this again

vanya: he will not let me live that down

five: ha

vanya: wow thanks for the sympathy BROTHER

five:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

klaus: nope not again stop right there brother oh mine

five: :-))))

ben: omg can i do it too

five: no

ben: wow harsh

five: i swear to god everybody broke my phone last time

ben: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: if you break my phone i cant communicate with you

ben: doNT make me guilTY you SHIT

klaus: woah thats harsh

klaus: considering its FIVE

five: :-(((

ben: no dont be sad im sorry 

five: :-))))

five: wiG

klaus: idk what hes doing but were listening to some bomb ass music

ben: were listening to five singing abt delores 

klaus: and its bomB ASS

five: hes not wrong

diego: toot youre own HORN much

diego: you are very loud

diego: wait no dont stOP

klaus: pls dont stop

five: no i trust ben and only ben

klaus: if u trust ben that means you have to trust me too

five: ……………….

five: no comment

klaus: BITCH HE TRUSTS ME

klaus: SUCKS TO BE ALL OF YOU I GET FIVE’S TRUST YAH YEET

five: shUT 

five: buT YAH YEET I AGREE

ben: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET

vanya: what is happening

diego: yeeting

allison: which is???

luther: What did i miss?

diego: yeeting

diego: now fuck off

luther: What’s yeeting?

five: ew lther doesnt know what yeeting is he deserves no rights

allison: i dont know what yeeting means

five: but you arent luther

allison: okay

allison: ill take it

luther: Why do i “deserve no rights”? What does this mean?

five: do you even KNOW what texting is

five: you abbreviate words

five: you do not type out whole ass sentances unless the world is ending

vanya: i can make that happen if you want

five: no thanks

klaus: kill us tho we discussed it

five: oh yeh we want ben 

ben: thats soft but no

five: :-(((

ben: not gonna woRK THIS TIME

five: :-((((((((((((((((((

ben: nOPE

five: ;-((((

ben: NO

five: :-((( 

klaus: :-((((

ben: STOP IT I DONT LIKE IT

five: soRRY :-))))))))))))))

klaus: im not 

klaus: :-(((

five: wow and IM the mean one

klaus: actually im a really nice one i had some ideas

klaus: some which diego may be here for

diego: go ahead

diego: if this is what i think it is then i love you

klaus: i can make ben text so whats to say i cant make OTHER PEOPLE text

five: oh god ive witnessed this practice

diego: why didnt i witness the practice

five: do you know what idk

five: SUPRISE

five: means?

diego: klaus i love you

klaus: idk how long it will take bc holding on for ben to text has become second nature but to hold like 3 or four at the same time is kinda hard atm

luther: Can you get dad to text?

five: what the fuck im answering for him no

klaus: thank you five

diego: knew there was a reason we hated luther other than his dimwittedness 

diego: he just hadnt shown it in a while

five: hes constantly showing it

five: ysee when u dont sleep you notice shit

klaus: that is very true

diego: wouldn’t you notice less shit??

five: no bc your trying to stay awake

klaus: so you focus on everything

diego: i guess that makes sense

ben: no it doesnt theyre just idiots who drink coffee at 3am

klaus: ben its hot chocolate

ben: five told me not to tell anyone that :-(

vanya: five we already know this

five: i am fully aware

five: but lets just say i still need to be caffinated in the morning

five: i would still rather be refered to as a COFFEE DRINKER 

klaus: but my hot chocolate is so gOOD

five: make me some??

klaus: too early

allison: it’s 11pm??

allison: literally planning on sleeping soon

five: well were YEETING instead of SLEEPING

klaus: that was awful stop

five: im 58 cut me some slakc

diego: youre THIRTEEN

five: no stfu

 

4am

five: can we have that hot chocolate now??

klaus: you need it??

five: pls

klaus: OMW

ben: we stan softies at 4am

diego: no we dont go to sleep

five: no :-(

five: klaus has my bunny so i want hot chocolate

ben: its 4am its a softie at 4am if you guys didnt know

diego: everyones asleep because they arent PYSCHOS

diego: also five has a bunny???

ben: its like this lil teddy klaus got him

ben: to like help him sleep

diego: and he took it???

ben: ofc he did

ben: hes actually a real softie 

ben: yall just arent ghosts who dont need to sleep

klaus: hhhhhhHHHHHHHHHHH

five: klaus’ hot chocolate when im sleepy is my fav thing in the world

five: and i miss my bunny :-(

klaus: on it lil bro

five: :-)

diego: what is happening

ben: welcome to the sleep deprived trio

ben: idk why weve progressed to the gc five usually hates telling people but eh

five: too tired to care

klaus: ive been carrying him everywhere

klaus: he is currently lay on the sofa waiting for me to return with his bunny

diego: i have to see this

klaus: he will hate you forever 

diego: okay no seeing

five: 🗡

diego: w-

five: 🗡🗡🗡

diego: knives r my thing

five: then steal the emoji 

five: but if u come and look ill be stealing ur real ass ones

ben: what happened to softie five??

five: hes waiting for his bunny

diego: 🗡🗡🗡🗡🗡

diego: i loVE THIS

five: pls dont threaten ppl w/ that emoji

diego: wha-

klaus: he got his bunny back

klaus: hes now automatically fell asleep so lets stop texting

diego: soft

klaus: fyi i have pictures ill show u tomorrow

ben: not a good idea

klaus: he loves me 

five: he does

five: but he wont anymore if u show diego those photos

klaus: :-)))

klaus: love u lil bro 

five: not lil

five: also not asleep???

five: ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿̿ ̿'̿'\̵͇̿̿\

klaus: where does he GET THESE

five: the iNTERNET

five: now goodnight

klaus: night lil buddy

ben: wow this is the soft brothers content we signed up for


	6. existential crisis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> five has his first not actally an existential crisis and luther is luther and ben wants a tv show
> 
> this is also v short bc im rlly lazy and have exams on monday YEET

five: sup motherfuckers

luther: Language!

five: i say what i want you big ass motherfucking ape

diego: have i ever told you how much i love you?

luther: Wow Thank you Diego!!

klaus: omg lmao luther thought diego was talking about hIM HA

diego: i was talking to five 

luther: I’m Offended!

five: the fact that is a serious accusation makes me want to puke

ben: why is luther bashing ALL we ever do in this groupchat

klaus: i hate you all so much

ben: (trademarked)

klaus: featuring five being a badass softie

five: shUT

klaus: luther bashing

ben: dioego popping up to hate on luther

five: the sleep deprived trio + diego

diego: allison not being able to decide whether she’s with us or lutherrr

vanya: and me being here for no reason

five: not trUE

diego: why does that sound like the opening to a TV show

ben: probably bc it should be

ben: we are literally a famililial disaster we should be the most popular tv show

klaus: he’s not wrong honestly 

klaus: just

klaus: we have a ghost who can text so theres just a floating phone EVERYWHERE

diego: and we have a 58 year old in a 13 year olds body

ben: we have a dude who sees GHOSTS and is newly sober

vanya: i mean i caused a whole ass apocolypse which my smaller brother had to live in for 38 years

klaus: we also have a knife throwing police officer

diego: vigilante

klaus: whatever

allison: im literally the definition of mental manipulation

five: we also have a luther

five: no explanation required

ben: wow wed make the best tv show

klaus: LIKE BIG BROTHER

allison: i think were lookng more at a keeping up with the kardashians

ben: but with POWERS

diego: wow we stan

five: even i find this fun

luther: I think this would be a very bad idea

diego: nobdy asked you

five: your opionion is irrelevant

vanya: you spelt opinion wrong

five: fuCK OFF

five: i might be 58 but i still make mistaKES

luther: Also Five spent 45 years in the apocolypse to whoever said it was 38

five: actually you lump

five: the other 7 were spent at the commision??

five: remember those dude

five: try to kill me constantly

klaus: r they still trying to kill u lil bro???

five: i dunno tbh

ben: thats promising

diego: i have my kniVES

luther: No Diego, killing is WRONG

diego: who said anything about KILLING

klaus: jumping to conclusions tehre big boy

diego: luther? never

five: i love this family dudes

five: if any of you screenshot that i will gut you in your sleep

ben: we love you too buddy!!

ben: but like why the sudden outburst of love in our luther rant

five: well i was LAUGHING

five: and like 

five: ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,

five: doesnt happen v v often

five: and i realised that wow these dorks ACTUALLY make me laugh

klaus: im offended you didnt think i was funny anyways

five: and i realised i must love you i find your intolerant shit funny and DAMN y’all

five: i have EMOTIONS

ben: you do buddy you do

five: now i wanna HUG you all

five: not luther though

five: im rlly out here having emotions i dont like them take them AWAY

klaus: i mean big ass mood

five: ugHHHHHHHHHH

five: im gonna just lie on the floor

klaus: is he

ben: i think he is

diego: fill me in what is he

klaus: hes having his first ever exisistential crisis

ben: but like bc he has emotions

diego: wow thats one big ass mood

ben: hes whole ass just lay on the corrider floor

five: im also listening to music

five: which is wow??? may i add

klaus: whatre u listening to existential brother

five: shotgun

klaus: by george ezra?? 

klaus: im sorry disowned

five: what no who do u think i am

five: thats so overplayed

five: im listening to the dodie and pomplamousse one

klaus: okay i like that thats better

ben: wow we rlly out here disowning eachother over music

five: i wasnt disowned i have TASTE

ben: you do

ben: dodie is a mf goddess

five: thANK you

five: also billie eillish

ben: wow hes SINGING

diego: who r you what have u doen with five

five: im just having whatever klaus and ben said i was having

five: ill be back

luther: Back? But you didn’t go anywhere in the first place?

five: omfg you’re so DUMB please 

five: shut, and i CANNOT stress this enough, the fuck up

diego: hes back

five: im bakc

five: feels good 

five: ben is the only person i talk abut music with all the rest of u can fuck off

klaus: definetley back

five: unless its wallows

five: bc yes

klaus: i agree

ben: we stan

diego: WIG 

ben: its been snatched

five: its in arkansas

klaus: he had to do it to em

five: 1980s horror film II? 

five: outsold

vanya: okay ive been gone for a while but

vanya: what the fuck does any of that even mean

allison: were just not down with the cool kids anymore vanya

vanya: wow i feel betrayed

allison: we can band together

allison: yAy SiShTeRs

vanya: shiSHters

five: ew no 

klaus: wow we really are v v different internet peeps

ben: me five diego and klaus r gonna go back to iour wallows and dodie babies

ben: and were gonna STAN

klaus: were gonna LOOSE our WIGS

five: okay im done

five: i dont wanna confuse vanya even more

five: even tho im OFFENDED that she doesnt know what outsold means

vanya: im SORRY i LOVE you

five: hmph you missed my daily i love you

vanya: and you cant say it again for your favourite big sister

five: not if ur gonna call urself my BIG sister

vanya: little sister???

five: nope

vanya: ill do it

five: dont you dare

vanya: i will

five: i swear to god

vanya: :-(

five: omg im so sorry i love you

five: daMN IT

five: why do the sad faces always woRK?????????

vanya:  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

diego: can we not do that again please

five: please

klaus: please

ben: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

five: nO

ben: :-(

vanya: :-(

five: continue

five: its like some kind of wiCKED SPELL

klaus: does it work if i do it

five: no 

five: because you arent ben and vanya

klaus: heartbroken

diego: puSSIES


End file.
